LAST ONE.

I keep a little planner to keep track of what I have to do, and this week is hectic. Every day of the week is full with help sessions and professors office hours. Finals are very stressful because in most of our classes this test is a big percentage of our grade. These exams, in some cases, will determine what our final grade in the class will be. This week is all study study study. No time to slack off or procrastinate. Time to hit the books. I just can’t wait until I finish with all of exams, so I can finally relax for a while.

I GIVE UP

Today, I was on the verge of quitting. And I've said itbefore, but I have been seriously plotting it whilesimultaneously shutting down piece by piece at work. I feelkind of bad because the persons at fault will never feel thepressure and anxiety I feel and thus I take it out on thoseI'm responsible for leading. It's a sucky position to be in- like a soggy sandwich which seemingly no support on eitherside. So more specifically, I want to quit because "the bosses"are asking for too much and there's no room for negotiationor substantial pay to match their demands, so whether Iperform or not, I lose. Lately my program hasn't beenreaching our recruitment goals and are now being threatenedwith looming "action plans" and the loss of our independenceif we don't step our game up. Sounds about right, but theadded pressures is what takes our focus away from recruitingparticipants to securing place for the actual program totake place - let alone planning the actual program itself!

GEEZZZ

I've always thought I had a thick skin. And everyone, forthe longest has said, like my Romantic Mishap, that I was"strong." Maybe this is just the way I come off to people.Or maybe there is some actual validity to it. I've beenthinking in terms of my life and the things I've had to dealwith lately and wondering if I'm strong or weak. I reallycan't tell sometimes because I spend so much time sulkingand being angry about my situation. Rather than just dealingwith it, I often find myself whining or complaining aboutit. It leaves me to believe that maybe I'm not so strongafter all. I mean, if you're really surviving, how much time are yougoing to waste complaining about your misfortune? Not much.You're going to suck it up at some point (pretty quickly ifyou want to survive) and change your situation so that youwon't be in such dire straights.

hmmm.. i like this song.

Broken this fragile thing nowAnd I can't, I can't pick up the piecesAnd I've thrown my words all aroundBut I can't, I can't give you a reasonI feel so broken up (so broken up)And I give up (I give up) I just want to tell you so you knowHere I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to youYou are my only oneI let go, but there's just no one that gets me like youYou are my only, my only oneMade my mistakes, let you downAnd I can't, I can't hold on for too longRan my whole life in the groundAnd I can't, I can't get up when you're goneAnd something's breaking up (breaking up)I feel like giving up (like giving up)I won't walk out until you knowHere I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to youYou are my only oneI let go, but there's just no one that gets me like youYou are my only my only oneHere I go so dishonestlyLeave a note for you my only oneAnd I know you can see right through meSo let me go and you will find someoneHere I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to youYou are my only oneI let go, but there's just no one, no one like youYou are my only, my only oneMy only oneMy only oneMy only oneYou are my only, my only one

tireddd.

this is what happens in the wee hours of the morning.when i can't sleep. =.1. set your iTunes or Windows Player to shuffle2. for each question, hit "next" to get the next answerIF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?i heard it through the grapevine HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?smoothie song WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?i want youHOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?the good times are killing meWHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?Jesus isWHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?speakWHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?someday you will be lovedWHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?this is neverlandWHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?an innocent man --hahahhaWHAT IS 2 + 2?one step at a timeWHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?absolute WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?all that i amWHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?the fatal woundWHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?one fine wireWHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?cuckoo's nestWHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST??i just want to dance with youWHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?can't complainWHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?dreams be dreamsWHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?this week the trends WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?while you were sleeping

LMAO

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the onlytime I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?) On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?) On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?) On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) wow... so dumb.

one word, wow.

ok, so i got this email... and i found it really funny... i'm not sure if u will or not, but i did so that's all that counts...EVER WONDER... ...why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? ...why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? ...why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? ...why "abbreviated" is such a long word? ...why doctors call what they do "practice"? ...why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98? ...why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquidis made with real lemons? ...why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? ...why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? ...who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor? ...why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes? ...why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? ...why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for theindestructible black box ? ...why sheep don't shrink when it rains? ...why they are called a-part-ments when they are all stuck together? ...if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? ...why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

GRR.

Everybody makes such a big deal about it but its really simple just dont do it and you'll be ok. Thats it. Why cant you just wait. Wait till you get married and then you can have it whenever you want instead of having sex getting diseases or getting pregnant. Basically ruining your future. When you think about it its so scary because were going to be the next generation. In a couple of years were going to run this country. Were gona be the next doctors, nurses, lawyers and all that stuff. I dont know. I dont think people are trying anymore all they do is play. They dont focus on studying anymore. I dont get anybody not even myself.

ughhh.

Well there's only two more days of classes left in the semester, not counting finals days. While im excited I made it through relatively unscathed, I didn't do as well as I could. Then again, I've felt like that about ever semester of school I can remember. I accomplished one of the goals I set for myself, doing well enough to maintain my scholarship. I need to maintain a B average, and barring any epic collapses on my finals I think I have assured that. However I didn't accomplish my other goal of picking a major or a real goal for after college. Theres been a million ideas floating around my head about what to do, but I haven't been able to really sit down and get them out. Problem is I don't feel a real passion towards any of those. I really just wanna be me, but haven't quite figured out a way to make a living off that yet. I only have three real interests or passions, and those are friends, family, and my girlfriend. I'm trying to do all this while working a ton of hours at my job, maintain my school work and try to have some semblance of a social life. Not to mention being forced to go see Rent as a part of my DNY class and trying to finish up all the work I have left is making things difficult. I really just feel as if I'm at a standstill right now. Nothing is really progressing, just staying static. Hopefully with this nice long break coming up I can get centered, but right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

thank God.

Finally! I got through the first semester of college decently. There have been lots of ups and lots of downs. After getting used to the whole college life, things just kept finding their way into distracting me and into angering me, but I’ve worked through it.Lots of stress flew into me this year at the beginning of the school year. There were lots of things to learn and lots of things to get used to and it all just seemed to be too much! After some recollecting and somehow making everything work day by everything seemed to go down a little, but there was always something to worry about whether good or bad.The goods that I came across were most of my teachers, new friends, and good grades. Then some things went wrong and grades went bad and it was a tough time dealing with it all when I thought that I couldn’t do much to fix it. Thankfully in the end I pulled through and things didn’t turn out as bad as I expected. Midterms grades looked scary, but since I’ve seen them I’ve worked my best to try to improve them and I think I have. After being a honor roll student in high school and seeping down into a slump it doesn’t feel good at all, so the next semester knowing now what to expect and how to go about thing I plan to get all A’s which was definitely not the case the first semester around.College is definitely a right choice for me and a great opportunity that I will now appreciate more next semester and the semesters that follow. I will work to my capability from now on.

.. gay

But nothing twinkles in my soul when you're not around.Your beautiful green eyes, gone. No longer illuminating.Sleeping peacefully beneath your soft eye lids,You dream your own little night time sky, distant of all stars.This must be why you do not dream. The untouched products summoned from imagination, would not know what to do when compared to your dreamy presence. Your soft, happy laughter, your soft touch and caress. Your loving gaze, and care. If that is so, then I must be awake. Because, you're not here now.You're sleeping. When you're with me, I must be dreaming.How could I be so lucky for you to love me? And when you're not here, I must not be sleeping. Thinking of you, wishing I were dreaming.I wish I were dreaming.

sleepless night

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I went to bed at 1022pm.For the longest time, I would stay awake, looking at the ceiling. On occassion I would fall asleep, but then I would awake perhaps 30 minutes later and the same cycle of lying awake for unknown periods of time would ensue.It wasn't as though I just had a simple case of insomnia. I laid awake thinking about many things. Mostly just my life,and how I had turned out. Actually, I just focused on all the bad experiences in life and how it turned me into the person that I am today. All my life I've been an incredibly introspective person. I even recall my thoughts when I was in the second grade. I had suicidal thoughts. Not for any sort of depressed reason though. Surprisingly, they were incredibly deep for someone who was 8 years old. At least that's how I would like to think about it. As I recall, I contemplated suicide because I couldn't find a reason for my existence. I mean, what was the purpose to my existing. Everything I had come in contact with had a purpose. The desk I sat at, the writing instrument my hand, my clothing, my books instructing me in some trivial knowledge. The blackboard, the teacher and my other fellow students. But as an individual,what was my purpose? That and also the fact that I was frightened of what the future would bring. So many unknowns,how would the future turn out?

UGHHHHH

Christine and I argued a bit today. First it was because I was not really paying attention to her. I guess it can be my fault. But somehow I didn't quite feel it was fair. I had a bit of a headache, and I just wanted to lay down. I suppose it was caused by the stress of doing nothing. Whatever it was, I just felt really sick. She wanted me to look over some stuff from a catalogue for her. Ideas for Christmas gifts for me, really though I didn't want clothes. Which I had of course told her many times. So, is it any surprise that when she asks me to take a look at some clothes, that I wouldn't want to? Especially since I wasn't feeling well. Well she threw a bit of a fit. Actually, she was just giving me the silent treatment. I really hate it when people do that. I think it has to be hands down the most immature thing to do.

angry.

I feel, odd. I feel uncaring and detatched. I was really angry about half hour ago, and all of the sudden it vanished. Just like that. It wasn't even a slow turn or a diminish over time. One moment, I am so angry I could just tell everyone off and be so absolutely mean. It is only through sheer will I am able to keep my demeanor.And the next moment, it's gone. As if it were nothing. It's like going from hot to cold in the same milisecond. It's disoirentating and you feel like you want to get mad but you can't. You want to get angry, but you can't.

= /

I've been skipping a bit of classes lately. I probably should not be doing that. Especially with the classes I need the most help in. My time has been constrained greatly, and with recent event's I've not been able to ... focus on myself. Whatever that might mean. It's odd to say something like that and then draw the meaning from some ambiguous interpretation of whoever might read this. But in all honesty, I feel that I've just not had much time to myself.

unstable

I've come to the conclusion I am not stable. Oddly enough I am not overly concerned. I feel it makes me unique, and rather.. well.. unpredictable. When I say unstable, I am not referring to some sort of debilitating psychological problem. But rather something deep inside. I am not real sure how to put it into words. It's this part of me which fluxuates. Perhaps I am just imagining it all, and this whole entry is for nothing.

I HAVE NO LIFE!

Upon reading parts of a dissertation by Donniell Fishkind called “New Consistencies in Infinite Utilitarianism: Is Every World Good, Bad or Neutral” (http://jdh.hamkins.org/Publications/2002b/pdf), my interest was greatly sparked. Here is my reaction to this article:From the very beginning of the dissertation, it is established that heaven is endlessly positive (1+1+1+1…), hell is endlessly negative (-1-1-1-1…), and purgatory is endlessly neutral (0+0+0+0…). It is also stated that the goodness of heaven cancels out the evil in hell. To put it into more concrete terms that everyone can relate to, let’s talk about the nature of the world we live in: Earth. It is valid to say that “heaven on Earth” (endlessly positive) or “hell on Earth” (endlessly negative) is impossible. One’s situation in the world, no matter what it may be, can be described as either positive or negative, whether it be slight or great. However, as many aspects of the world prove to show, what goes up must come down. This is proven through science, economics, and even everyday life; there is always an antiparallel to cancel out the other. Examples of these are as follows: nature disrupts order due to its tendency to favor entropy, with every economic boom comes the eventual recession, a life that was once born will be taken away through death, joy is disrupted through an eventual sorrow, and so forth. Relating mathematics to the world we live in, there is a limit when “x” (with x being a positive or negative action) approaches infinity (those who studied calculus know that it is impossible for x to reach infinity) and the result is its corresponding opposite action. Therefore, upon this recognition, one could say that the world we live in is endlessly neutral (+1-1+1-1…), and it is impossible to live in a world of entire bliss or misery.However, one could even use this thought as grounds for an even more abstract thought. If our physical world and purgatory are both considered neutral, are they equals? Is our life on earth essentially purgatory? Also, since infinity is impossible to reach, does heaven and hell even exist (if not, purgatory cannot exist as well)? Keeping in mind the set of integers of Earth (+1-1+1-1…), could it be said that our life is a delicate sum of heaven and hell? In fact, the question of whether of not heaven or hell exists leads to whether or not our life is “real.” After all, the neutrality of our life comes from positives and negatives, which is so often symbolized through heaven or hell (i.e. heaven is the ultimate reward [+], and vice versa). These questions leave us in a paradox which we will probably never fully understand, and will be driven by the eternal flame of a desire for knowledge.Personally, I don’t believe in religion, and don’t blindly find it as so many do. After all, there are people who know nothing about religion, yet decide to believe in a god. In my opinion, religion is used as comfort for us typically weak minded human beings. So based on my previous thoughts, perhaps life isn’t actually “real.” Perhaps we are essentially here for no reason other than to live our lives in a way that will give us maximum utility.

Bored.

So I have no idea what I am going to write about, because nothing interesting is really going on in my life. Also, I can't seem to get my imagination to function properly so I am just going to tell you all what happened today.

I woke up at 7 am and I felt terrible and did not want to move, finally I did at around 7:1o, I took a shower, got ready, and went to school. During school I felt like I wanted to punch a hole in the wall to keep me from going crazy because the time was going by so slow. Theology is theology, we all know what that is like with a certain someone. Then I had my break between classes and hung out with my best buds. Then there was math class, oh how I love math. That was the worst because I have no idea what we are doing and I can not seem to pay any attention in that class. Then there was economics, but I did not go because I did not feel well. Instead I decided to go home and rest before I had to go to work. So at work, I get into this huge argument with one of the customers over TWENTY CENTS. People these days are ridiculous, yes we are in a recession but come on now, twenty cents. You couldn't even buy a pack of gum with that back in the day. Anyways, this lady was GOING INSANE, so I simply said ' Miss, if this twenty cents is really that big of a deal, I will take it out of my pocket and give it to you because you are absolutely insane.' Surprise, surprise, she took it. My job is just a joke.

After work, I went to my girlfriends house, ate dinner, watched some TV, fell asleep, did homework, then went home. Oh what a day.

My experience on this tragic day.

On September 11, 2001 I was in 6th grade in my english class when I found out about the news. Twenty minutes later, my name came over the loud speaker to go to the office because my father was down there to pick me up. When I went down to the office he seemed, I guess occupied. I had asked him what was wrong and he said he was afraid that we were going to die that day. Those words petrified me, and as I sit here thinking about what happened that day, I think, " What if the hijackers had hit Staten Island", it's only about 2 miles across the river. That day, many people had been killed, friends, family, mothers, fathers, everyone knows someone or knows of someone who had died in 9/11. Personally, I lost no family members, just friends, and friends parents. I know people who have survived also.

Celebrating the 7th anniversary of this tragic day. I look back at this as a turning point in every Americans life, we became stronger as a country, we became one. After being able to get passed the terrorist attacks, I know and believe there is nothing that can bring down New York City, or the United States. There is just a sense of unity I see each and every day, especially around this time, and that is why I love the people I live near, why I love the city I live in, and why I love being a united, free citizen in the United States of America.

Tease

In high school there was a kid who would get made fun of every single day because of his sexual orientation. For obvious reasons, everyone assumed he was a homosexual, but I always think to myself.. what is the problem with a person being gay? They are the same person, same personality, they just have different tastes in people. If i may say, gay people have better personalities than straight people, most of the time. But back on subject, this kid was teased to the point that he wanted to actually kill himself. People would call him names, which I can't really repeat in this blog but it was bad. I even felt the affects of what he was going through. I think back and I wish I could have said something to keep people off of his case, but I was afraid of what people would actually think of me. I regret that each and every day that passes. I know I am a better person than I could have been, and I just wish I could apologize to him, but I would be embarrassed.