.. gay

But nothing twinkles in my soul when you're not around.Your beautiful green eyes, gone. No longer illuminating.Sleeping peacefully beneath your soft eye lids,You dream your own little night time sky, distant of all stars.This must be why you do not dream. The untouched products summoned from imagination, would not know what to do when compared to your dreamy presence. Your soft, happy laughter, your soft touch and caress. Your loving gaze, and care. If that is so, then I must be awake. Because, you're not here now.You're sleeping. When you're with me, I must be dreaming.How could I be so lucky for you to love me? And when you're not here, I must not be sleeping. Thinking of you, wishing I were dreaming.I wish I were dreaming.

sleepless night

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I went to bed at 1022pm.For the longest time, I would stay awake, looking at the ceiling. On occassion I would fall asleep, but then I would awake perhaps 30 minutes later and the same cycle of lying awake for unknown periods of time would ensue.It wasn't as though I just had a simple case of insomnia. I laid awake thinking about many things. Mostly just my life,and how I had turned out. Actually, I just focused on all the bad experiences in life and how it turned me into the person that I am today. All my life I've been an incredibly introspective person. I even recall my thoughts when I was in the second grade. I had suicidal thoughts. Not for any sort of depressed reason though. Surprisingly, they were incredibly deep for someone who was 8 years old. At least that's how I would like to think about it. As I recall, I contemplated suicide because I couldn't find a reason for my existence. I mean, what was the purpose to my existing. Everything I had come in contact with had a purpose. The desk I sat at, the writing instrument my hand, my clothing, my books instructing me in some trivial knowledge. The blackboard, the teacher and my other fellow students. But as an individual,what was my purpose? That and also the fact that I was frightened of what the future would bring. So many unknowns,how would the future turn out?

UGHHHHH

Christine and I argued a bit today. First it was because I was not really paying attention to her. I guess it can be my fault. But somehow I didn't quite feel it was fair. I had a bit of a headache, and I just wanted to lay down. I suppose it was caused by the stress of doing nothing. Whatever it was, I just felt really sick. She wanted me to look over some stuff from a catalogue for her. Ideas for Christmas gifts for me, really though I didn't want clothes. Which I had of course told her many times. So, is it any surprise that when she asks me to take a look at some clothes, that I wouldn't want to? Especially since I wasn't feeling well. Well she threw a bit of a fit. Actually, she was just giving me the silent treatment. I really hate it when people do that. I think it has to be hands down the most immature thing to do.

angry.

I feel, odd. I feel uncaring and detatched. I was really angry about half hour ago, and all of the sudden it vanished. Just like that. It wasn't even a slow turn or a diminish over time. One moment, I am so angry I could just tell everyone off and be so absolutely mean. It is only through sheer will I am able to keep my demeanor.And the next moment, it's gone. As if it were nothing. It's like going from hot to cold in the same milisecond. It's disoirentating and you feel like you want to get mad but you can't. You want to get angry, but you can't.

= /

I've been skipping a bit of classes lately. I probably should not be doing that. Especially with the classes I need the most help in. My time has been constrained greatly, and with recent event's I've not been able to ... focus on myself. Whatever that might mean. It's odd to say something like that and then draw the meaning from some ambiguous interpretation of whoever might read this. But in all honesty, I feel that I've just not had much time to myself.

unstable

I've come to the conclusion I am not stable. Oddly enough I am not overly concerned. I feel it makes me unique, and rather.. well.. unpredictable. When I say unstable, I am not referring to some sort of debilitating psychological problem. But rather something deep inside. I am not real sure how to put it into words. It's this part of me which fluxuates. Perhaps I am just imagining it all, and this whole entry is for nothing.

I HAVE NO LIFE!

Upon reading parts of a dissertation by Donniell Fishkind called “New Consistencies in Infinite Utilitarianism: Is Every World Good, Bad or Neutral” (http://jdh.hamkins.org/Publications/2002b/pdf), my interest was greatly sparked. Here is my reaction to this article:From the very beginning of the dissertation, it is established that heaven is endlessly positive (1+1+1+1…), hell is endlessly negative (-1-1-1-1…), and purgatory is endlessly neutral (0+0+0+0…). It is also stated that the goodness of heaven cancels out the evil in hell. To put it into more concrete terms that everyone can relate to, let’s talk about the nature of the world we live in: Earth. It is valid to say that “heaven on Earth” (endlessly positive) or “hell on Earth” (endlessly negative) is impossible. One’s situation in the world, no matter what it may be, can be described as either positive or negative, whether it be slight or great. However, as many aspects of the world prove to show, what goes up must come down. This is proven through science, economics, and even everyday life; there is always an antiparallel to cancel out the other. Examples of these are as follows: nature disrupts order due to its tendency to favor entropy, with every economic boom comes the eventual recession, a life that was once born will be taken away through death, joy is disrupted through an eventual sorrow, and so forth. Relating mathematics to the world we live in, there is a limit when “x” (with x being a positive or negative action) approaches infinity (those who studied calculus know that it is impossible for x to reach infinity) and the result is its corresponding opposite action. Therefore, upon this recognition, one could say that the world we live in is endlessly neutral (+1-1+1-1…), and it is impossible to live in a world of entire bliss or misery.However, one could even use this thought as grounds for an even more abstract thought. If our physical world and purgatory are both considered neutral, are they equals? Is our life on earth essentially purgatory? Also, since infinity is impossible to reach, does heaven and hell even exist (if not, purgatory cannot exist as well)? Keeping in mind the set of integers of Earth (+1-1+1-1…), could it be said that our life is a delicate sum of heaven and hell? In fact, the question of whether of not heaven or hell exists leads to whether or not our life is “real.” After all, the neutrality of our life comes from positives and negatives, which is so often symbolized through heaven or hell (i.e. heaven is the ultimate reward [+], and vice versa). These questions leave us in a paradox which we will probably never fully understand, and will be driven by the eternal flame of a desire for knowledge.Personally, I don’t believe in religion, and don’t blindly find it as so many do. After all, there are people who know nothing about religion, yet decide to believe in a god. In my opinion, religion is used as comfort for us typically weak minded human beings. So based on my previous thoughts, perhaps life isn’t actually “real.” Perhaps we are essentially here for no reason other than to live our lives in a way that will give us maximum utility.