GRR.

Everybody makes such a big deal about it but its really simple just dont do it and you'll be ok. Thats it. Why cant you just wait. Wait till you get married and then you can have it whenever you want instead of having sex getting diseases or getting pregnant. Basically ruining your future. When you think about it its so scary because were going to be the next generation. In a couple of years were going to run this country. Were gona be the next doctors, nurses, lawyers and all that stuff. I dont know. I dont think people are trying anymore all they do is play. They dont focus on studying anymore. I dont get anybody not even myself.

ughhh.

Well there's only two more days of classes left in the semester, not counting finals days. While im excited I made it through relatively unscathed, I didn't do as well as I could. Then again, I've felt like that about ever semester of school I can remember. I accomplished one of the goals I set for myself, doing well enough to maintain my scholarship. I need to maintain a B average, and barring any epic collapses on my finals I think I have assured that. However I didn't accomplish my other goal of picking a major or a real goal for after college. Theres been a million ideas floating around my head about what to do, but I haven't been able to really sit down and get them out. Problem is I don't feel a real passion towards any of those. I really just wanna be me, but haven't quite figured out a way to make a living off that yet. I only have three real interests or passions, and those are friends, family, and my girlfriend. I'm trying to do all this while working a ton of hours at my job, maintain my school work and try to have some semblance of a social life. Not to mention being forced to go see Rent as a part of my DNY class and trying to finish up all the work I have left is making things difficult. I really just feel as if I'm at a standstill right now. Nothing is really progressing, just staying static. Hopefully with this nice long break coming up I can get centered, but right now I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

thank God.

Finally! I got through the first semester of college decently. There have been lots of ups and lots of downs. After getting used to the whole college life, things just kept finding their way into distracting me and into angering me, but I’ve worked through it.Lots of stress flew into me this year at the beginning of the school year. There were lots of things to learn and lots of things to get used to and it all just seemed to be too much! After some recollecting and somehow making everything work day by everything seemed to go down a little, but there was always something to worry about whether good or bad.The goods that I came across were most of my teachers, new friends, and good grades. Then some things went wrong and grades went bad and it was a tough time dealing with it all when I thought that I couldn’t do much to fix it. Thankfully in the end I pulled through and things didn’t turn out as bad as I expected. Midterms grades looked scary, but since I’ve seen them I’ve worked my best to try to improve them and I think I have. After being a honor roll student in high school and seeping down into a slump it doesn’t feel good at all, so the next semester knowing now what to expect and how to go about thing I plan to get all A’s which was definitely not the case the first semester around.College is definitely a right choice for me and a great opportunity that I will now appreciate more next semester and the semesters that follow. I will work to my capability from now on.

.. gay

But nothing twinkles in my soul when you're not around.Your beautiful green eyes, gone. No longer illuminating.Sleeping peacefully beneath your soft eye lids,You dream your own little night time sky, distant of all stars.This must be why you do not dream. The untouched products summoned from imagination, would not know what to do when compared to your dreamy presence. Your soft, happy laughter, your soft touch and caress. Your loving gaze, and care. If that is so, then I must be awake. Because, you're not here now.You're sleeping. When you're with me, I must be dreaming.How could I be so lucky for you to love me? And when you're not here, I must not be sleeping. Thinking of you, wishing I were dreaming.I wish I were dreaming.

sleepless night

I couldn't fall asleep last night. I went to bed at 1022pm.For the longest time, I would stay awake, looking at the ceiling. On occassion I would fall asleep, but then I would awake perhaps 30 minutes later and the same cycle of lying awake for unknown periods of time would ensue.It wasn't as though I just had a simple case of insomnia. I laid awake thinking about many things. Mostly just my life,and how I had turned out. Actually, I just focused on all the bad experiences in life and how it turned me into the person that I am today. All my life I've been an incredibly introspective person. I even recall my thoughts when I was in the second grade. I had suicidal thoughts. Not for any sort of depressed reason though. Surprisingly, they were incredibly deep for someone who was 8 years old. At least that's how I would like to think about it. As I recall, I contemplated suicide because I couldn't find a reason for my existence. I mean, what was the purpose to my existing. Everything I had come in contact with had a purpose. The desk I sat at, the writing instrument my hand, my clothing, my books instructing me in some trivial knowledge. The blackboard, the teacher and my other fellow students. But as an individual,what was my purpose? That and also the fact that I was frightened of what the future would bring. So many unknowns,how would the future turn out?

UGHHHHH

Christine and I argued a bit today. First it was because I was not really paying attention to her. I guess it can be my fault. But somehow I didn't quite feel it was fair. I had a bit of a headache, and I just wanted to lay down. I suppose it was caused by the stress of doing nothing. Whatever it was, I just felt really sick. She wanted me to look over some stuff from a catalogue for her. Ideas for Christmas gifts for me, really though I didn't want clothes. Which I had of course told her many times. So, is it any surprise that when she asks me to take a look at some clothes, that I wouldn't want to? Especially since I wasn't feeling well. Well she threw a bit of a fit. Actually, she was just giving me the silent treatment. I really hate it when people do that. I think it has to be hands down the most immature thing to do.

angry.

I feel, odd. I feel uncaring and detatched. I was really angry about half hour ago, and all of the sudden it vanished. Just like that. It wasn't even a slow turn or a diminish over time. One moment, I am so angry I could just tell everyone off and be so absolutely mean. It is only through sheer will I am able to keep my demeanor.And the next moment, it's gone. As if it were nothing. It's like going from hot to cold in the same milisecond. It's disoirentating and you feel like you want to get mad but you can't. You want to get angry, but you can't.